soulmates

how long have we known each other
she whispered

i could not comprehend why it matters to some people.
the depth. breadth. and timing of feelings.
how can these earthly dimensions describe the intensity of emotion.
how do you measure a soul. how do you capture its essence.
how do you contemplate its play on life.
its confinement to perspectives. addictions to trivial entrapments.
the insatiable thirst to define the point of endings and beginnings.

i dont know.
maybe ever since this universe was just a ball of gas.

she smiled.

truth is. time is irrelevant to the whole context.
i was simply designed to love her.

it was raining heavily earlier today.
almost a storm, the downpour was magnificent.

i loved it.
it drowned away the rest of the world.
and the noises they made.
all the little insignificant things that they thought mattered.
all of them were lost. vaporised or drenched.
i could hear nothing but a curtain of solitude.
the speech of nature.

time was my only company.
it stood still. and mighty against them all.

the heavy rain continued.
we conversed. it was most civilised and intimate.
i found my questions answered
my conscience reflected. soothing echoes.
in the symphony of the rain.

then the rain stopped.
time rushes again. for life to begin.

aurora

she stared at me. perhaps with compassion. i could not see clearly past this darkness. it was still too early for twilight. but i felt her fingers tracing my face. soft and delicate. she wanted to comprehend. secrets. she thought i must have them hidden somewhere in these eyes.

what do you want from me

our bodies were touching but i could only feel coldness where our senses met. her hand rested against my heartbeat to my amusement. i could hardly believe it was still beating. i thought it has long dissolved into shades of melancholy. a silhouette of an empty distance. i wished i could tell her there was nothing left.

we spoke quietly. whispering intimately so that this earth would not hear us. in this hour we are the only existence. against the night sky and its fading stars. i could hear myself uttering these words to her pleasure. i was once again a lover. i felt her trembled against my skin. my lifeless touch.

she wanted me. the fire and tenderness forged by these kisses. she glowed into a spectacular sight. she reminded me of an evening star i have once loved. that has once swallowed and shattered me against her torrent suicidal wave. one that tore my soul into blackened pieces. ones that life no longer merged into.

she was still a spectacular sight. enchanting as the song that the wings of birds rose to. and she kissed me again. something in me wounded. i was held captive against this deserted moment. i tasted sincerity from her tongue. and her moist lips. her being where shadows and grief shrunk into nothingness.

sun rise

fiesta of life against the cold window. the sun rays was soft and gentle on her skin. i grew jealous as it feast slowly upon her beautiful skin like a painted sea of dessert rose. and sand dune curves. and i was the night sky that disintegrates each time the sun shines upon her boundless beauty. one that reflected from her soul like a dew on the grass.

my eyelids grew heavy. she was still there.
our fingers intertwined.

twinkle little star

i want to stop. chasing after you.
i wish to tire this time.
to let you finally leave. sailing away into horizon.

i do not want to over think. over analyse.
the thinking was overdone. the single fact blurred into shadows and thoughts.
i do not want to feel anymore than i should.
anymore than you want me to.

this time. i wish to stand still.
watching you disappear.
maybe wave a little.
waving goodbyes - God knows how many i have lost count.
waving hard as if that will be our last form of communication.
maybe it is.

i want to give you love
what you wanted.
i look forward to grant your wish.

i want to stop being there.
for you.

and i want you to turn around to witness the satisfaction
that my absence provides. if it makes you happy, love
i wish this will put a smile on your face.
forgive me. it was long due, i believe.

be happy for me.

back to the start

nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard

i simply blanked when she said she had enough of me.
i could not comprehend how is that relevant to the topic that we are arguing.
it came out of nowhere.
already several times in a row these past few weeks.

i held everything back.
i kept looking at the door.
at everything else that are moving freely outside the window.
my mind focused on nothing but the open road.
the blue sky. the companion of strangers.

this must be the most uncomfortable position to be in.
to not be engaged. a million miles away.

i packed my bag the next day and jumped in a car.
with bunch of people i have just met.
people that i have no obligations towards.
simply devoid of expectations.

we hit the road. wherever it took us.
i had no idea as i was driven away into distance.
into uncertainties. into possibilities.
for a moment i felt free again. from this world.
maybe a break from all else.
from any sort of comprehension.

few days away from it all.
they finally dropped me home.
we said cheers mate.
and watched those bone heads left.

it was late. the light was still on.
she waited for me. i greeted her with a relaxed smile on my face.
was still very happy from the trip.

as i leaned forward to kiss her goodnight.
she held me. tight.
she said she loved me. and that she was sorry.

of course, sayang.
same here.

this must be how it feels to grow old..

courtesy

fresh. young. nubile.

nothing separated her from me save for merciless distance. one that yearned to cease. the seconds had lost its own count. so has the soft breeze that attempted to ease the surmounting tense. broiling in me. we assessed each other. anticipating. i could almost hear my own heartbeat.

i ripped it away in height of the moment. catching her off-guard and surprised. took her by the neck and grab a lustful of her long hair. watching her gasped with wide eyes. and let her naked body lay bare before me. untouching. unflinching. i let my gaze caressed the length of her body. every inch of her beautiful skin. the tenderness she wanted so much to conceal and the appealing mounds that were embarrassed by this shocking attention. her long limbs and awkwardness. her eyes never leaving my cold gaze. the soft breeze embraced the uneasiness that her body displayed.

i released my clutch away from her. leaning away.
i offered a smile.
i wanted her calm and collected. not trembling and bashful.

i was in no mood to comfort.
not like i used to.

she was reaching for the cloth. pieces that i have torn apart. she felt unprotected and exposed. it wasnt that, i thought. she was trying to remove the feeling of being unwanted. as i continued staring. i supposed she noticed there werent much excitement in these eyes. she has failed to initiate anything more than a burgeoning curiosity.

my mind did wonder. the journey of discovering the physical pleasure that her body offered. the meeting of our lust and excitement. and i the lover. the worshiper. the animal. she the temple. the sensual explosion. one that i ravaged again and again. what a lovely picture.

i offered her coffee instead. i wanted her alert.
and to not forget.
what i have taken from her tonight.

road trip

royal lake belum.

i remembered it was drizzling when i reached here. after couple of hours driving up the ranges.
spectacular i thought. the scenery reinstated my longings further.
towards what. one can only guess.
i could only stare into the distance. ten years ago i would have been able to produce a beautiful composition to immortalise this moment. at this age, i was contented with only being thankful to be able to witness untouched beauty before it disappears or become another sacrifice to human development.
we take a lot from this earth. we the ungrateful little bastards. take things for granted.
we take them all til there is none left.

funny. it was never ours in the first place.
we forget that.

i didnt stay long here. i was merely a passer by.
we all are.

turn turtle

my buddy was amused,
why did you say okay and turned turtle?

i didnt see that coming.

i.. was being polite. i guess.
i was attempting a conversation.
i had to be civilised.

my sorry convictions.
we had a big laugh.

november 12th

how does it compare. 

if all the syllables in each spoken languages combined
if all tinges of melody in this universe combined
if all the majestic appearances of this nature combined
to form a singular word to reflect the depth of emotion concealed inside

it would fail.
tremendously.

not a single form would be comparable.

if you take this earth with its sky and ocean, and the moon
multiply with the masses of other planets and celestial bodies,
compressed them into a singular being to form a counterweight against this burden inside

it would fail.
miserably.

not a single mass would be comparable.

no amount of wizardry and witchcraft,
no amount of chanting and prayers,
no amount of fear and laughter,
that this superficial world has to offer could stifle and contain what has transcended far beyond physical manifestation

this magnitude of emotional distraught
from missing you.

*the above photo is random. 

eid ul - fitr

i was back in kampung. this time to celebrate eid.
kampung has always been a sight of comfort.
where i spent most of my childhood living a very simple ignorant life.
i woke up everyday just to eat and play. the whole kampung was my playground.
from morning till dusk.

no television. no telephone.
just tricycle. and lots of imagination.

this time it was different. i dont get free ice cream anymore.
ah poh is no longer around. the paddy fields are all gazetted for developments.
most of wooden houses have been demolished replaced by some cheap tasteless brick houses.
i dont see many kids around. mostly old folks trying to make a living with whatever left. numbering days.
though sky is still calm and blue. the air is still cool and refreshing.
but the walk around kampung is now solitary and out of place.
same path i used to trod with my late grandmother twenty years ago.

i felt something was taken away from me.
maybe time.

i reckon this should be my last visit to kampung.
it will only further deteriorate my childhood memories.
no amount of urbanisation can compensate the pristine quality of life
that kampung offers.

maafkanlah bila hati
tak sempurna mencintaiMu

i find this image to be strangely comforting..

and i have drowned before.
literally. at the age of six.

red handed

my buddy kevin got caught red handed.
by his second girlfriend. you know, the bench warmer.

now. that happens a lot.
especially if your girlfriend is psychotic.
recording and tracking all your whereabouts via communication device.

so my buddy was upset that the girlfriend is having some trust issue. i wanted to throw it to his face but i let him come to his own conclusion instead. but in a way, i was glad because i didnt think highly of this bench warmer anyway. she was not as hot as the real one who is currently away. studying.

superficial, eh.
but i know good stuff when i see one. and that my buddy gotta win her back now that the shit has hit the fence. but i know all it takes is a wedding ring. platinum.

seriously, girls are easy.
but the nightmare starts for men once they got trapped that way.

so i sat and listened to him in the early hours. poking on trust issues, crazy drunk bitch issues, spouses with affairs issues, middle age crisis issue, and all other decadence which were grazed briefly. it was not an intelligent discussion. he simply wanted to justify his guilt.

i told him at the end.

enough with all this chasing and hurting.
gets you nowhere
let your heart settles.
happiness and wealth will follow suit.

but really what i wanted to say was,
should not get caught in the first place, ding dong.
what an amateur.

nonchalant

i was put through hell for almost a week.
for upsetting her.

it tested me.
that when it was over,
i told her to shut it.

no, i do not want to discuss about it.
i do not want to communicate of what has actually transpired
during those cold bitter moments.
i just wanted to absorb that moment of us coming together again.
and moved on.

she held me.
she was searching for my eyes.
wanting those deep soul dialogues.
i averted all of it.

nonchalant.
when it is simply fear
that i tried hard
to suppress.

of losing her.

the comedian

we all love jokes. funny stories.
and at some definitive points in our life,
jokes are necessary for us to stay sane.

the saddest part is no longer tragic.
when one found the courage
to laugh it off.

it is all the same,
it is all the same,
we said repetitively.

as the curtain draws near
as the fate bares its fangs
back to the wall
we'd say, the joke is on me.
this is the punchline.
so please by all means, laugh.

it is the only sensible reaction
that we can afford.

damn all those happy endings.
should have been funny instead.

twirled

they called her primadonna. i could only stare. maybe i willingly wanted to be mesmerised. taken as a whole being. fixated at this singular star infinitely.

one by one dropped like flies. one by one wore her inside out. these are giants. the titans. i stood by like some stupid firefly, i did not leave. i wanted to stay and watched how primadonna play herself out to the end.

from one arms to another, she danced her heart out. it was almost vivid i could taste her raw emotions being tossed about. the richness and intensity is wildly intoxicating. still i stood by. watching her driving me crazy.

human are filth with desires. we were all closer to hell than heaven, i thought. the desire to burn and vaporise. she wanted it too, i could sense it. it had been in her mind for almost forever, seething underneath those glamourous composure. all those delicate moves that she paraded to the world, all those pictures of perfection that she so much worshipped. all of them concealed her true being. i first thought ethereal. but no, we were closer to hell like i said. her true self was evidently glaring to my eyes that i could not help but to identify.

for every fiction there must be an end. for every ending there must be a beginning. this one didnt. this one severe all presumptions. this one enticed and bound me to this spot.

and i watched as if i was waiting for it to end. but deep inside, both me and primadonna wanted this immortalised. she danced away letting her soul consumed by the ravaging melody, and my eyes fiercely worshipping her phenomenal moves and beauty.

kpop

there was a reason why we drop boring subjects such as psychology and took up light ones such as japanese language instead.

they teach in a group of 7. all of them hot and sexy.
when they all lined up and getting cute in the front of the class
it was almost like watching girls generation live.

such fun.
i scored the subject.

see that is what school is all about.
stimulation.

series of excitement

1984
i raced downhill riding my old bicycle. the brakes were faulty. but i needed to win. i was going so fast, i could not make the turn in time. so i flew off the slope, hopefully in style, and fell 10 metres away right in the ditch. i did not remember breaking any bones but i could not get up for quite a while. my older cousins came and carry me home. i was scolded because my shirt was all torn and dirty. least it was fun.

1986
i stood underneath the balcony of this one hot chick in my neighbourhood. i sang on top of my lungs some stupid love song. i sang with all my heart hoping she would come out to the balcony and fell in love with me. at least that was what i saw in the movie. somebody came out. it was her mother alright looking all confused. i ran off as fast as i could. hopefully she did not recognise me or noticed which direction in the neighbourhood that i ran to. i prayed for weeks that i would not run into her ever after.

1989
my mate wanted to do No.2 but the toilets were all occupied. i told him to use the principal's toilet instead. so we went ahead and break into the office, except the door was locked. so i threw a rock and smashed the toilet window only to find out that he was in it. we both ran as quickly as we could but there was no escaping. i was punished the whole week cleaning the school toilets. and my mate bailed out by being absent that whole week.

1992
had my first taste of being flying kicked at to the ground after school, by some wacko who was in tears. i know, pretty funny eh. i did not remember what i did to him but he was furious. anyway, i made it even by smashing his face against my knee cap. he bled and i panicked. but i must admit it felt good. really satisfying.

1994
I learned to ride a motorbike over the school holiday. i loved it. in fact i was so excited to show off, i offered a ride to one of the girls in the neighbourhood. so i got her to ride with me and i sped at the corners to impress her further. we nearly fell off when an oncoming vehicle appeared suddenly. she screamed for her life and swore never to ride with me again ever. i did not remember apologising. instead i told her that was fun.

1996
me and my mates were bored. the school was hosting a marathon. so we quietly climbed over the school fence and sneaked into the group of marathon runners running nearby. we ran as fast as we could trying to escape from the school prefects who were chasing us. i could hear them cursing and shouting. anyway, after quite a distance we split from the group and headed to a friends house for jamming sessions.

1998
made out for the first time on roof top. the night was perfect there were shooting stars and fireworks. literally. i wanted to tell the whole boys dormitory that i have just nailed the hottest girl in school, but i thought that would not be ethical. besides i was sincerely in love. darn, i wanted so much to brag.

2002
i spent my nights taking road trips everywhere unplanned. driving in the dark arriving someplace new and watched the sunrise. sometimes i spent days away from the campus being someplace else, surfing, hiking, wasting time with buddies. never really attended classes except during exam periods. my housemates having trouble keeping my whereabouts. when i got back they have converted my room into marijuana plant room. something like that. so i ended up sleeping on the couch instead with Poof the cat.

2006
my car skidded off in the middle of the highway at night. i was doing 160km/h and lost control due to wet and slippery road conditions. it was my luck that there were no other vehicles in close distance. i quickly steered the car back into lane before causing any accidents on the road. later i upgraded all my tyres to better ones so that it would not happen again.

2009
i was operating an excavator machine Komatsu at work. i misjudged the soil condition and this 25 tonne one-armed heavy machinery toppled downhill with me in it. thought my heart stopped for a while. i slowly climbed out and sat outside while waiting for the rescue to come, wondering how much it would cost me this time to repair this old bomb.

2011
jumped off the airplane at 5000 ft height. it was fun. for someone who is not athletic, this would be an easy sport to chew. just do not pass out during the jump.

last night
got into my manic street racing mode again. revved the bimmer to 220 km/h on a busy highway. at one point i got sandwiched behind a car who was slamming brakes, and by a speeding car almost a foot away behind me. my face turned white. quick reflex on the steering and sped away onto free lane. all that in split seconds. i slowed down after and could not imagine how much i have got to fork out should that turned out all wrong.

i have to admit to being
pretty much a junkie.
pushing the limit further every time. for the rush in that split seconds.
though i would say it is pale in comparison to others.

but these are the moments
that you could hear your heart beating aloud.
and arent we glad to know we have lived.

afterglow

what is it love that you see
when your eyes are tightly shut like that

i asked her afterwards. as she eased slowly out of climax.
i wanted to ask her too why the tears at the corner of her eyes.
did i hurt her.

i would imagine that in the darkness our sight turned inwards.
and we would see colours. bright stars sprinkled across the darkness.
i thought that was how the universe and outer space look like.
distant and beautiful.

i rolled over to my side. my bad shoulder has been quite a problem.
ever since i fell crash landing during my recent skydiving session, my left shoulder has been hurting pretty bad. missionary position is only making it worse.

she climbed on top. the warmth and softness as she straddled on my chest. the tingling sensation of her hair across my skin as she drew her face nearer.
smiling. a beautiful afterglow.
she did not answer but started kissing me instead.
again. and again. covered in kisses.
i guess her action has direct correlation to the answer to my question.

nice.

forget what other people say.
skydiving is not necessarily better than sex.
just maybe more addictive.

night rod

we were watching spongebob one night.
i was on a treadmill. she was texting and whole lots of other things.
i told her casually that i am getting either night rod or iron 883, and getting rid of my bimmer since she wont be driving it anyway.

absentmindedly, she asked me why would i resort to something ridiculous like that.
she then continued pointing out how impractical it would be and told me not to.

er.. hullo.
i sincerely do not remember asking for permission.

this whole relationship setup can be quite funny if you do not clarify the boundaries clearly. your lives intermingle so much at every aspect that you could no longer differentiate which is yours, and which is hers. whose set of friends you are with, whose hobbies at whose vacations, whose voices in whose heads, whose tongues and whose heavy breathing. got to back up a little, mate. you cannot be synchronising everything that you loose track of what makes you different. and special.

back when we were naive and foolishly in love, we did all the things that only superheroes can. swim the lake of fire, moving mountains, tearing up the sky, run butt naked across the field in winter (i must be really stoned back then), we did it all for them. in exchange for sweet intoxicating rush of feelings and other bodily fluids, we did all that. but we were eighteen. we were barely able to differentiate republican and democrat, let alone name 10 illegal drugs available in the market.

we placed our loved ones high up in pedestal. we wanted to please. like some stupid puppy we begged for a scratch. we let ourselves being molded into what they believe to embody the definition of perfect partner. or lover. we protested after a while, but they got used to it and we grew afraid of shattering the whole image that we have falsely projected. so we weighed and in my case, there are daisies. some of us actually chose to give in and let the partner, or the girlfriend shaped them which includes lives, careers, material possessions (regardless joint or personal), and lastly family. it is great if all turns out well. if you are at peace with the whole arrangement.

i did not.
i chose to be honest instead.

it has been the core of many arguments that i had in my previous relationships. my independence somewhat terrified my exes. they are not used to being sidelined. at one point i remembered being emotionally manipulated. the crying, the silent treatment, the shouting and lastly 'if you love me do this,'. sheesh. i dreaded that the most. since when has love become quantifiable and measurable. since when have i become an object or means to an end.

i grew silent.
and apart.

we all have been there. falling in love for various wrong reasons. some right ones too, i assure you. there is a very fine boundary between loving someone for who they are and what they can do for you. fundamentally it is about acceptance and respect. changes are natural cycle for human beings. we must learn not to fear things that come and learn to communicate instead. to be able to share with and to appreciate your other half. do not reduce him to insignificance. or to a sorry state of being.

be kind to each other. give yourselves an opportunity to grow old together.
it takes effort and sincerity to cope with you. and me.
with us. and the world.
continuous effort. and endless communications.

so i told her i loved her. lots.
but i am still buying one.

i told her that it is me and the open road.
just like me and the open sky. she was not thrilled of me jumping out of the airplanes. i told her it would be the same thing. the wind in my face.
and i would let her ride with me.

she flashed a devilish grin.
before closing her mouth and breaking into a laughter.

okay, i did not know what was so funny.
but apparently she was amused at the whole idea.

a great start indeed.

giving thanks

i think i should note today how thankful i am.
i am blessed with many.

among them a special someone who has always been by my side.
who survived my eccentricities with great patience
who choose to love me though it was not necessary
who made valiant effort to cope with my erratic temperament
i made it sound so difficult, i know.

she let her feelings grew on me
i noticed to my benefit
she let me into her most hidden and vulnerable depth
i barged in with no ounce of compassion
she may not share the same excitement and optimism
nevertheless she tries to make my day.

i find that sweet.
and to have her near
to be able to hold her
in my arms.
we have shared so much.
she stood by me all these years
even when she did not have to.

and she has received fair amount of hurting by the things i said
whenever we argued
which can be pretty terrible and harsh,
i know i gained nothing by hurting her
i kiss her every night telling her that.

i realised how magnificent it is
my life now. truly blessed with her here.
in it.

sometimes i wish i could tell her
but i figured she already knew.