daredevil

i took her out to a dinner before she flew off to new zealand the next day.
as we had our nightcap, she asked.
what if the parachute fails to open

she was innocently curious. her brown eyes glittered in the soft light.
i could not help but smile.

i whispered
just let go
it is a done deal
you have made your choices.

she was at disbelief.
i did not know how else to convince her.

do not be afraid
as you fall
keep looking into the sky
it is the same blue sky
that you have gazed into all your life
the same comforting sight
you are falling into.

she searched my eyes as i uttered these words.
i hope she found what she was looking for.

trust, perhaps.

the episode

it was a whirlwind episode.
turbulent.

at the end, we tried to pretend it did not happen. and our daily routine was not at all affected. until few minutes before her plane takes off.

she hugged me. tight.
were you mad at me,
i asked

she shook her head
she said,
you know i love you.

i said i know.
but really that was the first i heard from her.

that.
is a keeper, mate.

breaking up with adele

have you tried imagining yourself breaking up with adele.

she has this look in her pretty eyes that startled me for awhile. not in a good way.
those kind of look that should be illegal. if it was a laser beam, it would have decapitated the loser's head already.

that is why breaking up is hard.

you can reason anyway you like. either be dramatic or playing it cool. it is simply impolite to tell somebody we refuse to be attached to them anymore. there is no reason to be rational about it. so we minimised the contact as much as possible. this is very rude, we said. quickly finished our cheap drinks and flee the scene before she even had the seconds to digest.

adele can say many things in the pretext of keeping it cool.
but we all know it is not.

falling blank

they said longer eye contact could induce deep attraction. or release of hormone that is responsible for causing us to fall in love.

i tried only recently. into the eyes of someone beautiful and attractive.

i tried.
for few seconds.
then i went blank.

so un-attractive.

the talk

we were talking about you today. not that there is much to be talked about. nothing new but your abrupt goodbye. and the pang of absence you left behind. it did not matter whether they have known you. they have seen your after effect in me. they could not understand. neither could i.

i passed by your street the other day. at times i felt compelled to walk down to your door and knock. knock long enough so that you would answer. and at times i felt that you wanted me to come barging down that distance between us. we created it. we can undo it. if we want it. but i would not know anymore. i am blind ever since you are gone.

we talked about you today. nothing in particular. but i could still hear it in my voice when i told them that i got my heart broken. nothing else could compare. to the heartbreak or to you. or both. i could still feel it hurting when i speak of you. they told me to learn and move on.

i thought i did.
i swear i did.
guess i did a swell job of lying to myself.

winning move

but i'd rather see the sunrise in your eyes.

i made a pretty simple remarks. she snapped into a full swing volcano eruption. it was nasty and there was no escaping it. she raged about so many things making the argument logical and almost impossible for me to retaliate. and for that few hours, it actually went on for days, i had to endure the torment of her anger.

i didnt really hear words that she said.
all i captured was that she was hurt.
and she was shutting me away.

that hurts me the most.

of course. i can justify and reason my remarks pretty well. but i do not think it has much to do with that simple sentence. it has been something that bottled up inside her and finally she chose to put the bullet straight into my heart. without giving me any opportunity to defend myself. i could have won the argument. it seemed weak to me i could simply return the favour by proving to her that her claims are without basis and wrongly directed.

i waited for her to cool down. it took some time for her to regain her composure. i analysed the argument back and forth preparing my viewpoints and how i could reflect all her mistakes. i waited till the time is right.

the time came.
i apologised instead. for hurting her.
and that i didnt realise how it had happened.
i capped with how much she meant to me.

i couldnt bring myself to argue.
i couldnt bring myself to win. or to make it even.
it was simply not worth it.

the apology paid off.
she softened.
oh well. things you do for love.

display of affection

just aim for my heart

she was only 21 when she told me all this fuss about demonstration of affection in public. she said it would be triumphant for her to be able to persuade guys to parade around their affection for her. an ego boost i presumed. i was naive into thinking it was simply gestures of love that makes no difference with or without public audience.

her world is a stage. she enjoys exhibiting.
my world is her. i enjoyed her to the details.

she turned 28. i heard her sighing. sometimes she felt unloved and unwanted. she was in her theatrical mode but i would not know any difference. she was throwing tantrum and making fuss of everything. i was not sure if it was that time of the month.

i held her. close enough that she could hear my heartbeat.
such days doesnt exist, love
where you are not desired.

i remembered she sobbed for a while. after gaining her composure she got up and started focusing on something else. mundane and trivial as she moves about. i sat there watching and let her sight fills my world. i find her easy to love and i do not remember any days go by feeling differently. but somehow from time to time she would still fall down on her knees wanting reassurances.

i could do so tirelessly.
the reward is far greater than the effort required.
sometimes that is all it takes to make it works.

emotional availability

i have never been accused of not having any
i am emotional. when it comes to money.
power. possession.
or whenever it benefits me.

to throw myself into an emotional relationship
would be a little risky. most of the time i would try to avoid.
to me emotion is a singular property.
either i have it or do not, it makes no difference to the relationship.
i am not obliged to commit emotionally.
even when it comes to sex.
i prefer to put it aside.

we do not want such fun events to be mired by slight upheaval of emotional unpredictability. it is safer to do things together knowing what to expect from the opposite ends. i get crazy most of the time trying to rationalise or interpret subtle hints from the other half. especially when my mind is occupied on getting it done. they call it foreplay because it is about playing and see what comes out of it. some couples stay up all night long trying to establish emotional bond between one another.

i tried that.
that was far more tiring than sex itself.
and sometimes i didnt even get to the sex part at all.

they call it cuddling. spooning. act that transcends lovemaking. it appears to be necessary to ensure the other party is emotionally secure before committing into further rigorous physical act.

i called it a form of communication.
and communication comes in variety of forms. and it does not necessarily have to involve any emotional affinity. which is far safer since the purpose of communication is to exchange information with objectivity and sense of clarity. by being emotional about it tends to murk the interpretation and further confused the appropriate response from the other party.

this sounded very narrow. i know.
but in truth, life is just.
emotions more often than not, complicate.

innate

you know
angel looks pretty today.
in fact she got smoky eyes.
sexy.

i still think you are gorgeous
though you dont have sexy smoky eyes
but at least
you are mine.

i'd choose you over everything else.

i'd give anything
to have you back here.