a tale of two cities '05

kl.
i have long called it quits with the girlfriend. it wasnt working out. i didnt have any further excuse. and i got busy with work. i was away most of the time from the comfort of my desk. completely immersed myself with work.

chicago.
you were busy manhunting on the side. all the ups and downs. mostly up than down. a performer in the comfort of her own stage. you seemed to have forgotten everything that once was transpired. too minuscale of an event. but it was Eid. you were away from family back home.

kl.
i remembered you. after our last interaction, you have managed to slipped off my mind pretty well. but out of courtesy to our meaningless exchange of mind, i wished you happy eid. i kept it brief. you were not the centre of my attention. distracted by the hectic campaign schedule which i looked forward to complete in weeks time.

chicago.
you were delighted to hear from me. apparently not all was lost back then, you thought. you hinted you missed our little talks. telling me how dull you found life at the moment. you were tempting me back into continuation. you felt devoid of flattery and admiration.

kl.
i wanted to laugh my head off. i felt i was back at the starting point. ready to take this lap with you again. only then i realised how much i enjoyed your nonsense and how it kept me off balance. but only this time i didnt feel like arguing or having an ego contest. i have other things to juggle too at this moment. i chose to be pleasant to you.

chicago.
you felt a slightly different voice reaching you this time. but being so self-absorbed you hardly notice. the spotlight was back on you. and you will lure every inch of it that you could get from me. the words you hear elated you into another level you never thought you could reach with me. it was almost impossible, you thought. almost.

kl.
i knew that once you were in the picture, there will be no escaping. our course took somewhat a different tone. a deeper reach. a more intimate ambience. at times i could feel these words are no more intense than a love-making. but words they all were. you bethrothed yourself to it. and i like the new side of you that i was discovering.

chicago.
you found that you needed me. somehow this time this worked. and you were again swept off by everything that i appear to be. you wanted to loose yourself in the wave of happiness that i created. you reciprocated. baring your soul to somebody thousand of miles away and gravitate into a connection. everything felt right. suddenly you are human. suddenly the sunny picture wasnt the only ones you've got, there are tears that you have pretty well hidden from the public eye. wounds that you trust i would be able to heal.

kl.
one of the things i recently said has offended you. gravely though i could not understand how. we spoke of God. you got defensive and words that you threw to me stings more than thousands scorpions. or Ali's. i have never seen you angry, retaliate at such little misunderstandings with such harshness and brutality. i wasnt sure how best to react. it was about me not being wrong.

chicago.
you couldnt care less, you thought. you felt somewhat betrayed and that piece of mind was worth it. everybody disappoints, you sighed. and my reply came. you put on your armor as you psyched yourself into the heat of anger, only this time you didnt hear yourself fell. thudding hard as you melted at every words that reached you like summer songs and touched your deepest end that your heart almost blushed with ecstasy. you came to acknowledge us.

kl.
i fell into this romance. i couldnt quite put a finger on it but i was happy to claim it mine. to claim you. i called my daffodils. in my private little world, you were the core. i didnt intend to look further.

chicago.
you wanted me. and life that you pursue. among thousands of things that you immersed in public, you searched in me for comfort. for love. but i didnt think you'd realised that. because you found yourself a boyfriend. somebody nice, you told me.

kl.
i was dumbfounded for a while. but who really expects pledge of loyalty when we were not looking for it in each other. i myself was courting a girl who was working with me. merely to satisfy my physical needs. i accepted that you got a boyfriend when i saw how happy you were with him in the photo you sent me. but deeply i wished that it was me your smile was for. but no, i was in no way entertaining your talks of him. our relationship should be exclusive of him.

chicago.
you noticed that your feelings. bonds. whatever with me didnt change even when you were with someone else. this side of you belonged to me. this poetic beauty was something that you would only have with me. nobody minds. nobody should. but you love him. that was no lie.

kl.
i have begun a relationship myself. i decided that since we were both with other people, i could not see how this was working out between us two. besides, you didnt love me i thought. since you are also far away, unrelated to any aspect of my life saves for our precious little exchanges, i decided that this is no longer a relationship of convenience. i told you we should say goodbyes.

chicago.
you were sad. if you were crushed, you masked it well. you never questioned instead you let it be my wishes. somehow, you revealed how much i meant to you and that this was something that you keep close to your heart. you missed me. and you wished me well.

kl.
i didnt respond. it was something that i didnt want to take a step back and reconsider. i was mean and ruthless, i didnt realise i broke your heart. but deep inside i was at lost with the direction of our relationship. it seemed foolish to think that we would be able to do this without any solid foundation. we were merely a glimpse of fairytales. we were not real.

chicago.
you wrote me 'the melancholic eyes'. you poured your regret in it. you kept all of my writings neatly. a pang of sadness crept up. but life moves on. and you were certainly them who were thrilled at the prospects.

kl.
i wrote you ' a short life'. i poured my defeat in it. before me a promising life, but i knew i took whatever pieces of you i have left with me. that much i knew.

a tale of two cities '04

kl.
me behind desk. boring, boring, boring. wanted to go home quick. Boss not coming to the office. girlfriend was going to call tonite from melbourne. as usual. she simply loves trapping me into a habit. since i dont welcome surprises, i suppose i could withstand routine calls. 1 hour max. and she would max'ed it.

chicago.
you were busy. drinking, socialising, studying, organising, babysitting. whatever it was you were scheduled to do. energy bursting out through each of your pores. you give life. you immersed in one. you simply had no idea what's coming. the world is one big adventure. you just couldn't have enough.

kl.
i checked on my friends on online network. wasting time. life seems dull. photos of people i do not recognise flashes on my computer screen. then i saw you. somewhat angelic. somewhat undefined. except the playful smile on your face. you wrote that you worships perfection. i became intrigued. who is this person who cannot tolerate flaws. not that you are a vision of perfection yourself. i tapped a line from a song. i told you that you looked so fine. shut the computer down and left the office. how i dread the call tonite.

chicago.
you have just finished a party. your friends are so many and you love entertaining. but you are going to call it a night already. need to fucking study for whatever test you are having tomorrow. switched on your computer after a quick refreshment, you saw an email. from a stranger. who wrote to you a line from your favourite song. impressed you replied the corresponding line. i want to break your heart and give you mine. need to study now. no time to write further you simply jot down your blog address for this stranger. and sent.

kl.
me yawning thru my office hours. i slept late. the girlfriend got too clingy. why. i could stand 2-3 hours of talking face to face accompanied by some love making. but not on the phone. i lacked the visual stimulation. and she called me during my favourite tv show. so i had my eyes glued to the tv, and my ear glued to the phone. she got upset i was being unenthusiastic. i can never win this fight. i switched on my email and hey. a reply from somebody. she is good. she knows the fucking song. and somewhat sounds a little morbid. i was impressed. typed the blog address and voila. i fell. didnt realised it back then. but i knew it was something to that effect.

chicago.
you read a humble reply. you couldnt decide whether to be flattered or swept off. and in the heat and dash of the bustle in your life, you wrote. you were consumed and supressed. think you have found yourself a muse. but this simply didnt faze you just yet. you simply enjoyed the attention and play of words. and the possibilities attached to it. this one you intend to play along.

kl.
me losing ground for a moment. it wasnt funny trying to decipher the sentences 'have i known the opposite of me lies in you, life would have been more precious'. all the while i thought you were really good. i questioned the rationale for these replies. no good. and i kept tumbling. like clothes in dryer. i was besotted. and i wanted more.

chicago.
life was on exciting mode for you. almost everything good seems to happen in your presence. it was a party that placed you in the centre of attention. everybody loves you. but everytime you hit the room alone, you searched for that far away thoughts that visited you often. somewhat my words sounded different. aloof and melancholy. i seemed to understand the language of your heart. you remained intrigued.

kl.
the girlfriend was getting very demanding. and clingy. drove me nuts trying to comply to her needs. at times i really believed that it was long gone. but there is no way to let down. in bereavement i casually mentioned i made few acquaintances. i seemed to forgot why i did so. but she interrogated like hell. i was offended. i became defensive. we talked no more of this girl. but maybe she knew before i did.

chicago.
you wanted to maintain a distance. you were not sure of this whole picture. you would certainly like to keep your armour. you found me too surreal at one moment, and offkey in the next. whatever it was, you chose to conclude that i was easy. and so you wrote things that underestimated my effort and sincerity. you were thousand of miles away, with a million things to do. you hardly have time to care anymore.

kl.
having been through series of word jostling and pauses from you, i became unsure of this whole game. certainly i felt ridiculed. but at times amazed at your self-obsession. but the last correspondence was a blow to my ego. who the fuck are you messing around with my head. and why would you. and why would i even care. the last one i couldnt answer. but i certainly felt that i have to just give it. if the bitch was right before me i could have strangled the apology out of her.

chicago.
the archangel wrote again. you were half annoyed, half curious. you thought i must be joking trying to establish routines of relationship without any real foundation. but this one was something you didnt expect. this was different from the rest that i have sent before. this was dark, menacing, and at times sadist. at first impression you found it slightly disturbing. but deep down you couldnt help but to acknowledge you have found your match. it is just that in the real world, first impression weighs the most. so you shut it away.

kl.
i knew. that one didnt deserve a reply. i was becoming a monster. it wasnt healthy. and therefore i let it died.

hello

i would like to tell you, first and foremost, how well i am coping with your absence. of course it's bullshit, but it is very unlikely i can tell the difference. i believe. so i am. believing that i am. not able to tell the difference.

paragraph 2. i am supposed to sound very objective and to the point. like i got one. ha. i am sure i can make up a few as i go along. you may be confused as you keep reading, but that is exactly the point. to keep you as confused as possible till i sort my reasoning. and thinking. i'd throw that in too just to keep you impressed.

paragraph 3. i should be polite and try to make you feel that this is about you. my sincere concern on your being since your departure. i must be able to pull this off very well to ensure you drop your guard and really think that i care. i should demonstrate to you the depth of my interest in your uncharacteristic life bits. with puppy eyes perhaps. until you develop such sympathy for me for missing out on this tiny fraction of your life. that. would be a hard one.

paragraph 4. i have yet to figure out my objective to this hello. i should just go on praising the world of you. kiss, kiss, kiss, the ground you walked on. again i must show my longings and how unwell i have been without you. my whole world collapsed. sounds almost real.

paragraph 5. can i skip to paragraph 6. is conclusion coming anytime soon.

paragraph 6. perhaps now i should jumped you with something that can hurt you. now i realize my objective was to get even with you for leaving me. yes.

but i have been doing that all along, havent i. i say things that feigned and ridiculed both yours and my sincerity. we made efforts to build things up just to keep crashing them down again and again. probably not we. probably just me. and i blabber all this as if you give a shit.

paragraph 37. i like this number. and i like to think that sometimes you do give a shit.

paragraph 193. 4. i apologised. heaven knows for what. did it reach u.

fuck. conclusion already. i said hello.
and i mean well.