back to the start

nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard

i simply blanked when she said she had enough of me.
i could not comprehend how is that relevant to the topic that we are arguing.
it came out of nowhere.
already several times in a row these past few weeks.

i held everything back.
i kept looking at the door.
at everything else that are moving freely outside the window.
my mind focused on nothing but the open road.
the blue sky. the companion of strangers.

this must be the most uncomfortable position to be in.
to not be engaged. a million miles away.

i packed my bag the next day and jumped in a car.
with bunch of people i have just met.
people that i have no obligations towards.
simply devoid of expectations.

we hit the road. wherever it took us.
i had no idea as i was driven away into distance.
into uncertainties. into possibilities.
for a moment i felt free again. from this world.
maybe a break from all else.
from any sort of comprehension.

few days away from it all.
they finally dropped me home.
we said cheers mate.
and watched those bone heads left.

it was late. the light was still on.
she waited for me. i greeted her with a relaxed smile on my face.
was still very happy from the trip.

as i leaned forward to kiss her goodnight.
she held me. tight.
she said she loved me. and that she was sorry.

of course, sayang.
same here.

this must be how it feels to grow old..

courtesy

fresh. young. nubile.

nothing separated her from me save for merciless distance. one that yearned to cease. the seconds had lost its own count. so has the soft breeze that attempted to ease the surmounting tense. broiling in me. we assessed each other. anticipating. i could almost hear my own heartbeat.

i ripped it away in height of the moment. catching her off-guard and surprised. took her by the neck and grab a lustful of her long hair. watching her gasped with wide eyes. and let her naked body lay bare before me. untouching. unflinching. i let my gaze caressed the length of her body. every inch of her beautiful skin. the tenderness she wanted so much to conceal and the appealing mounds that were embarrassed by this shocking attention. her long limbs and awkwardness. her eyes never leaving my cold gaze. the soft breeze embraced the uneasiness that her body displayed.

i released my clutch away from her. leaning away.
i offered a smile.
i wanted her calm and collected. not trembling and bashful.

i was in no mood to comfort.
not like i used to.

she was reaching for the cloth. pieces that i have torn apart. she felt unprotected and exposed. it wasnt that, i thought. she was trying to remove the feeling of being unwanted. as i continued staring. i supposed she noticed there werent much excitement in these eyes. she has failed to initiate anything more than a burgeoning curiosity.

my mind did wonder. the journey of discovering the physical pleasure that her body offered. the meeting of our lust and excitement. and i the lover. the worshiper. the animal. she the temple. the sensual explosion. one that i ravaged again and again. what a lovely picture.

i offered her coffee instead. i wanted her alert.
and to not forget.
what i have taken from her tonight.

road trip

royal lake belum.

i remembered it was drizzling when i reached here. after couple of hours driving up the ranges.
spectacular i thought. the scenery reinstated my longings further.
towards what. one can only guess.
i could only stare into the distance. ten years ago i would have been able to produce a beautiful composition to immortalise this moment. at this age, i was contented with only being thankful to be able to witness untouched beauty before it disappears or become another sacrifice to human development.
we take a lot from this earth. we the ungrateful little bastards. take things for granted.
we take them all til there is none left.

funny. it was never ours in the first place.
we forget that.

i didnt stay long here. i was merely a passer by.
we all are.

turn turtle

my buddy was amused,
why did you say okay and turned turtle?

i didnt see that coming.

i.. was being polite. i guess.
i was attempting a conversation.
i had to be civilised.

my sorry convictions.
we had a big laugh.