we were talking about you today. not that there is much to be talked about. nothing new but your abrupt goodbye. and the pang of absence you left behind. it did not matter whether they have known you. they have seen your after effect in me. they could not understand. neither could i.
i passed by your street the other day. at times i felt compelled to walk down to your door and knock. knock long enough so that you would answer. and at times i felt that you wanted me to come barging down that distance between us. we created it. we can undo it. if we want it. but i would not know anymore. i am blind ever since you are gone.
we talked about you today. nothing in particular. but i could still hear it in my voice when i told them that i got my heart broken. nothing else could compare. to the heartbreak or to you. or both. i could still feel it hurting when i speak of you. they told me to learn and move on.
i thought i did.
i swear i did.
guess i did a swell job of lying to myself.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
winning move
but i'd rather see the sunrise in your eyes.
i made a pretty simple remarks. she snapped into a full swing volcano eruption. it was nasty and there was no escaping it. she raged about so many things making the argument logical and almost impossible for me to retaliate. and for that few hours, it actually went on for days, i had to endure the torment of her anger.
i didnt really hear words that she said.
all i captured was that she was hurt.
and she was shutting me away.
that hurts me the most.
of course. i can justify and reason my remarks pretty well. but i do not think it has much to do with that simple sentence. it has been something that bottled up inside her and finally she chose to put the bullet straight into my heart. without giving me any opportunity to defend myself. i could have won the argument. it seemed weak to me i could simply return the favour by proving to her that her claims are without basis and wrongly directed.
i waited for her to cool down. it took some time for her to regain her composure. i analysed the argument back and forth preparing my viewpoints and how i could reflect all her mistakes. i waited till the time is right.
the time came.
i apologised instead. for hurting her.
and that i didnt realise how it had happened.
i capped with how much she meant to me.
i couldnt bring myself to argue.
i couldnt bring myself to win. or to make it even.
it was simply not worth it.
the apology paid off.
she softened.
oh well. things you do for love.
i made a pretty simple remarks. she snapped into a full swing volcano eruption. it was nasty and there was no escaping it. she raged about so many things making the argument logical and almost impossible for me to retaliate. and for that few hours, it actually went on for days, i had to endure the torment of her anger.
i didnt really hear words that she said.
all i captured was that she was hurt.
and she was shutting me away.
that hurts me the most.
of course. i can justify and reason my remarks pretty well. but i do not think it has much to do with that simple sentence. it has been something that bottled up inside her and finally she chose to put the bullet straight into my heart. without giving me any opportunity to defend myself. i could have won the argument. it seemed weak to me i could simply return the favour by proving to her that her claims are without basis and wrongly directed.
i waited for her to cool down. it took some time for her to regain her composure. i analysed the argument back and forth preparing my viewpoints and how i could reflect all her mistakes. i waited till the time is right.
the time came.
i apologised instead. for hurting her.
and that i didnt realise how it had happened.
i capped with how much she meant to me.
i couldnt bring myself to argue.
i couldnt bring myself to win. or to make it even.
it was simply not worth it.
the apology paid off.
she softened.
oh well. things you do for love.
Monday, September 12, 2011
display of affection
just aim for my heart
she was only 21 when she told me all this fuss about demonstration of affection in public. she said it would be triumphant for her to be able to persuade guys to parade around their affection for her. an ego boost i presumed. i was naive into thinking it was simply gestures of love that makes no difference with or without public audience.
her world is a stage. she enjoys exhibiting.
my world is her. i enjoyed her to the details.
she turned 28. i heard her sighing. sometimes she felt unloved and unwanted. she was in her theatrical mode but i would not know any difference. she was throwing tantrum and making fuss of everything. i was not sure if it was that time of the month.
i held her. close enough that she could hear my heartbeat.
such days doesnt exist, love
where you are not desired.
i remembered she sobbed for a while. after gaining her composure she got up and started focusing on something else. mundane and trivial as she moves about. i sat there watching and let her sight fills my world. i find her easy to love and i do not remember any days go by feeling differently. but somehow from time to time she would still fall down on her knees wanting reassurances.
i could do so tirelessly.
the reward is far greater than the effort required.
sometimes that is all it takes to make it works.
she was only 21 when she told me all this fuss about demonstration of affection in public. she said it would be triumphant for her to be able to persuade guys to parade around their affection for her. an ego boost i presumed. i was naive into thinking it was simply gestures of love that makes no difference with or without public audience.
her world is a stage. she enjoys exhibiting.
my world is her. i enjoyed her to the details.
she turned 28. i heard her sighing. sometimes she felt unloved and unwanted. she was in her theatrical mode but i would not know any difference. she was throwing tantrum and making fuss of everything. i was not sure if it was that time of the month.
i held her. close enough that she could hear my heartbeat.
such days doesnt exist, love
where you are not desired.
i remembered she sobbed for a while. after gaining her composure she got up and started focusing on something else. mundane and trivial as she moves about. i sat there watching and let her sight fills my world. i find her easy to love and i do not remember any days go by feeling differently. but somehow from time to time she would still fall down on her knees wanting reassurances.
i could do so tirelessly.
the reward is far greater than the effort required.
sometimes that is all it takes to make it works.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
emotional availability
i have never been accused of not having any
i am emotional. when it comes to money.
power. possession.
or whenever it benefits me.
to throw myself into an emotional relationship
would be a little risky. most of the time i would try to avoid.
to me emotion is a singular property.
either i have it or do not, it makes no difference to the relationship.
i am not obliged to commit emotionally.
even when it comes to sex.
i prefer to put it aside.
we do not want such fun events to be mired by slight upheaval of emotional unpredictability. it is safer to do things together knowing what to expect from the opposite ends. i get crazy most of the time trying to rationalise or interpret subtle hints from the other half. especially when my mind is occupied on getting it done. they call it foreplay because it is about playing and see what comes out of it. some couples stay up all night long trying to establish emotional bond between one another.
i tried that.
that was far more tiring than sex itself.
and sometimes i didnt even get to the sex part at all.
they call it cuddling. spooning. act that transcends lovemaking. it appears to be necessary to ensure the other party is emotionally secure before committing into further rigorous physical act.
i called it a form of communication.
and communication comes in variety of forms. and it does not necessarily have to involve any emotional affinity. which is far safer since the purpose of communication is to exchange information with objectivity and sense of clarity. by being emotional about it tends to murk the interpretation and further confused the appropriate response from the other party.
this sounded very narrow. i know.
but in truth, life is just.
emotions more often than not, complicate.
i am emotional. when it comes to money.
power. possession.
or whenever it benefits me.
to throw myself into an emotional relationship
would be a little risky. most of the time i would try to avoid.
to me emotion is a singular property.
either i have it or do not, it makes no difference to the relationship.
i am not obliged to commit emotionally.
even when it comes to sex.
i prefer to put it aside.
we do not want such fun events to be mired by slight upheaval of emotional unpredictability. it is safer to do things together knowing what to expect from the opposite ends. i get crazy most of the time trying to rationalise or interpret subtle hints from the other half. especially when my mind is occupied on getting it done. they call it foreplay because it is about playing and see what comes out of it. some couples stay up all night long trying to establish emotional bond between one another.
i tried that.
that was far more tiring than sex itself.
and sometimes i didnt even get to the sex part at all.
they call it cuddling. spooning. act that transcends lovemaking. it appears to be necessary to ensure the other party is emotionally secure before committing into further rigorous physical act.
i called it a form of communication.
and communication comes in variety of forms. and it does not necessarily have to involve any emotional affinity. which is far safer since the purpose of communication is to exchange information with objectivity and sense of clarity. by being emotional about it tends to murk the interpretation and further confused the appropriate response from the other party.
this sounded very narrow. i know.
but in truth, life is just.
emotions more often than not, complicate.
Friday, January 14, 2011
innate
you know
angel looks pretty today.
in fact she got smoky eyes.
sexy.
i still think you are gorgeous
though you dont have sexy smoky eyes
but at least
you are mine.
i'd choose you over everything else.
i'd give anything
to have you back here.
angel looks pretty today.
in fact she got smoky eyes.
sexy.
i still think you are gorgeous
though you dont have sexy smoky eyes
but at least
you are mine.
i'd choose you over everything else.
i'd give anything
to have you back here.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
the little prince
if you choose not to hear my voice any longer
you have chosen death upon me
if you place in quite a distance before me
you let me crumbled to pieces
if you stay away from me
you will witness my body disintegrate
yet my soul would lie still
waiting for you.
as if one day you'd return.
hell.
it wouldnt know any better.
it only knows you.
you have chosen death upon me
if you place in quite a distance before me
you let me crumbled to pieces
if you stay away from me
you will witness my body disintegrate
yet my soul would lie still
waiting for you.
as if one day you'd return.
hell.
it wouldnt know any better.
it only knows you.
Monday, June 28, 2010
a tale of two cities '05
kl.
i have long called it quits with the girlfriend. it wasnt working out. i didnt have any further excuse. and i got busy with work. i was away most of the time from the comfort of my desk. completely immersed myself with work.
chicago.
you were busy manhunting on the side. all the ups and downs. mostly up than down. a performer in the comfort of her own stage. you seemed to have forgotten everything that once was transpired. too minuscale of an event. but it was Eid. you were away from family back home.
kl.
i remembered you. after our last interaction, you have managed to slipped off my mind pretty well. but out of courtesy to our meaningless exchange of mind, i wished you happy eid. i kept it brief. you were not the centre of my attention. distracted by the hectic campaign schedule which i looked forward to complete in weeks time.
chicago.
you were delighted to hear from me. apparently not all was lost back then, you thought. you hinted you missed our little talks. telling me how dull you found life at the moment. you were tempting me back into continuation. you felt devoid of flattery and admiration.
kl.
i wanted to laugh my head off. i felt i was back at the starting point. ready to take this lap with you again. only then i realised how much i enjoyed your nonsense and how it kept me off balance. but only this time i didnt feel like arguing or having an ego contest. i have other things to juggle too at this moment. i chose to be pleasant to you.
chicago.
you felt a slightly different voice reaching you this time. but being so self-absorbed you hardly notice. the spotlight was back on you. and you will lure every inch of it that you could get from me. the words you hear elated you into another level you never thought you could reach with me. it was almost impossible, you thought. almost.
kl.
i knew that once you were in the picture, there will be no escaping. our course took somewhat a different tone. a deeper reach. a more intimate ambience. at times i could feel these words are no more intense than a love-making. but words they all were. you bethrothed yourself to it. and i like the new side of you that i was discovering.
chicago.
you found that you needed me. somehow this time this worked. and you were again swept off by everything that i appear to be. you wanted to loose yourself in the wave of happiness that i created. you reciprocated. baring your soul to somebody thousand of miles away and gravitate into a connection. everything felt right. suddenly you are human. suddenly the sunny picture wasnt the only ones you've got, there are tears that you have pretty well hidden from the public eye. wounds that you trust i would be able to heal.
kl.
one of the things i recently said has offended you. gravely though i could not understand how. we spoke of God. you got defensive and words that you threw to me stings more than thousands scorpions. or Ali's. i have never seen you angry, retaliate at such little misunderstandings with such harshness and brutality. i wasnt sure how best to react. it was about me not being wrong.
chicago.
you couldnt care less, you thought. you felt somewhat betrayed and that piece of mind was worth it. everybody disappoints, you sighed. and my reply came. you put on your armor as you psyched yourself into the heat of anger, only this time you didnt hear yourself fell. thudding hard as you melted at every words that reached you like summer songs and touched your deepest end that your heart almost blushed with ecstasy. you came to acknowledge us.
kl.
i fell into this romance. i couldnt quite put a finger on it but i was happy to claim it mine. to claim you. i called my daffodils. in my private little world, you were the core. i didnt intend to look further.
chicago.
you wanted me. and life that you pursue. among thousands of things that you immersed in public, you searched in me for comfort. for love. but i didnt think you'd realised that. because you found yourself a boyfriend. somebody nice, you told me.
kl.
i was dumbfounded for a while. but who really expects pledge of loyalty when we were not looking for it in each other. i myself was courting a girl who was working with me. merely to satisfy my physical needs. i accepted that you got a boyfriend when i saw how happy you were with him in the photo you sent me. but deeply i wished that it was me your smile was for. but no, i was in no way entertaining your talks of him. our relationship should be exclusive of him.
chicago.
you noticed that your feelings. bonds. whatever with me didnt change even when you were with someone else. this side of you belonged to me. this poetic beauty was something that you would only have with me. nobody minds. nobody should. but you love him. that was no lie.
kl.
i have begun a relationship myself. i decided that since we were both with other people, i could not see how this was working out between us two. besides, you didnt love me i thought. since you are also far away, unrelated to any aspect of my life saves for our precious little exchanges, i decided that this is no longer a relationship of convenience. i told you we should say goodbyes.
chicago.
you were sad. if you were crushed, you masked it well. you never questioned instead you let it be my wishes. somehow, you revealed how much i meant to you and that this was something that you keep close to your heart. you missed me. and you wished me well.
kl.
i didnt respond. it was something that i didnt want to take a step back and reconsider. i was mean and ruthless, i didnt realise i broke your heart. but deep inside i was at lost with the direction of our relationship. it seemed foolish to think that we would be able to do this without any solid foundation. we were merely a glimpse of fairytales. we were not real.
chicago.
you wrote me 'the melancholic eyes'. you poured your regret in it. you kept all of my writings neatly. a pang of sadness crept up. but life moves on. and you were certainly them who were thrilled at the prospects.
kl.
i wrote you ' a short life'. i poured my defeat in it. before me a promising life, but i knew i took whatever pieces of you i have left with me. that much i knew.
i have long called it quits with the girlfriend. it wasnt working out. i didnt have any further excuse. and i got busy with work. i was away most of the time from the comfort of my desk. completely immersed myself with work.
chicago.
you were busy manhunting on the side. all the ups and downs. mostly up than down. a performer in the comfort of her own stage. you seemed to have forgotten everything that once was transpired. too minuscale of an event. but it was Eid. you were away from family back home.
kl.
i remembered you. after our last interaction, you have managed to slipped off my mind pretty well. but out of courtesy to our meaningless exchange of mind, i wished you happy eid. i kept it brief. you were not the centre of my attention. distracted by the hectic campaign schedule which i looked forward to complete in weeks time.
chicago.
you were delighted to hear from me. apparently not all was lost back then, you thought. you hinted you missed our little talks. telling me how dull you found life at the moment. you were tempting me back into continuation. you felt devoid of flattery and admiration.
kl.
i wanted to laugh my head off. i felt i was back at the starting point. ready to take this lap with you again. only then i realised how much i enjoyed your nonsense and how it kept me off balance. but only this time i didnt feel like arguing or having an ego contest. i have other things to juggle too at this moment. i chose to be pleasant to you.
chicago.
you felt a slightly different voice reaching you this time. but being so self-absorbed you hardly notice. the spotlight was back on you. and you will lure every inch of it that you could get from me. the words you hear elated you into another level you never thought you could reach with me. it was almost impossible, you thought. almost.
kl.
i knew that once you were in the picture, there will be no escaping. our course took somewhat a different tone. a deeper reach. a more intimate ambience. at times i could feel these words are no more intense than a love-making. but words they all were. you bethrothed yourself to it. and i like the new side of you that i was discovering.
chicago.
you found that you needed me. somehow this time this worked. and you were again swept off by everything that i appear to be. you wanted to loose yourself in the wave of happiness that i created. you reciprocated. baring your soul to somebody thousand of miles away and gravitate into a connection. everything felt right. suddenly you are human. suddenly the sunny picture wasnt the only ones you've got, there are tears that you have pretty well hidden from the public eye. wounds that you trust i would be able to heal.
kl.
one of the things i recently said has offended you. gravely though i could not understand how. we spoke of God. you got defensive and words that you threw to me stings more than thousands scorpions. or Ali's. i have never seen you angry, retaliate at such little misunderstandings with such harshness and brutality. i wasnt sure how best to react. it was about me not being wrong.
chicago.
you couldnt care less, you thought. you felt somewhat betrayed and that piece of mind was worth it. everybody disappoints, you sighed. and my reply came. you put on your armor as you psyched yourself into the heat of anger, only this time you didnt hear yourself fell. thudding hard as you melted at every words that reached you like summer songs and touched your deepest end that your heart almost blushed with ecstasy. you came to acknowledge us.
kl.
i fell into this romance. i couldnt quite put a finger on it but i was happy to claim it mine. to claim you. i called my daffodils. in my private little world, you were the core. i didnt intend to look further.
chicago.
you wanted me. and life that you pursue. among thousands of things that you immersed in public, you searched in me for comfort. for love. but i didnt think you'd realised that. because you found yourself a boyfriend. somebody nice, you told me.
kl.
i was dumbfounded for a while. but who really expects pledge of loyalty when we were not looking for it in each other. i myself was courting a girl who was working with me. merely to satisfy my physical needs. i accepted that you got a boyfriend when i saw how happy you were with him in the photo you sent me. but deeply i wished that it was me your smile was for. but no, i was in no way entertaining your talks of him. our relationship should be exclusive of him.
chicago.
you noticed that your feelings. bonds. whatever with me didnt change even when you were with someone else. this side of you belonged to me. this poetic beauty was something that you would only have with me. nobody minds. nobody should. but you love him. that was no lie.
kl.
i have begun a relationship myself. i decided that since we were both with other people, i could not see how this was working out between us two. besides, you didnt love me i thought. since you are also far away, unrelated to any aspect of my life saves for our precious little exchanges, i decided that this is no longer a relationship of convenience. i told you we should say goodbyes.
chicago.
you were sad. if you were crushed, you masked it well. you never questioned instead you let it be my wishes. somehow, you revealed how much i meant to you and that this was something that you keep close to your heart. you missed me. and you wished me well.
kl.
i didnt respond. it was something that i didnt want to take a step back and reconsider. i was mean and ruthless, i didnt realise i broke your heart. but deep inside i was at lost with the direction of our relationship. it seemed foolish to think that we would be able to do this without any solid foundation. we were merely a glimpse of fairytales. we were not real.
chicago.
you wrote me 'the melancholic eyes'. you poured your regret in it. you kept all of my writings neatly. a pang of sadness crept up. but life moves on. and you were certainly them who were thrilled at the prospects.
kl.
i wrote you ' a short life'. i poured my defeat in it. before me a promising life, but i knew i took whatever pieces of you i have left with me. that much i knew.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)