giving thanks

i think i should note today how thankful i am.
i am blessed with many.

among them a special someone who has always been by my side.
who survived my eccentricities with great patience
who choose to love me though it was not necessary
who made valiant effort to cope with my erratic temperament
i made it sound so difficult, i know.

she let her feelings grew on me
i noticed to my benefit
she let me into her most hidden and vulnerable depth
i barged in with no ounce of compassion
she may not share the same excitement and optimism
nevertheless she tries to make my day.

i find that sweet.
and to have her near
to be able to hold her
in my arms.
we have shared so much.
she stood by me all these years
even when she did not have to.

and she has received fair amount of hurting by the things i said
whenever we argued
which can be pretty terrible and harsh,
i know i gained nothing by hurting her
i kiss her every night telling her that.

i realised how magnificent it is
my life now. truly blessed with her here.
in it.

sometimes i wish i could tell her
but i figured she already knew.

daredevil

i took her out to a dinner before she flew off to new zealand the next day.
as we had our nightcap, she asked.
what if the parachute fails to open

she was innocently curious. her brown eyes glittered in the soft light.
i could not help but smile.

i whispered
just let go
it is a done deal
you have made your choices.

she was at disbelief.
i did not know how else to convince her.

do not be afraid
as you fall
keep looking into the sky
it is the same blue sky
that you have gazed into all your life
the same comforting sight
you are falling into.

she searched my eyes as i uttered these words.
i hope she found what she was looking for.

trust, perhaps.

the episode

it was a whirlwind episode.
turbulent.

at the end, we tried to pretend it did not happen. and our daily routine was not at all affected. until few minutes before her plane takes off.

she hugged me. tight.
were you mad at me,
i asked

she shook her head
she said,
you know i love you.

i said i know.
but really that was the first i heard from her.

that.
is a keeper, mate.

breaking up with adele

have you tried imagining yourself breaking up with adele.

she has this look in her pretty eyes that startled me for awhile. not in a good way.
those kind of look that should be illegal. if it was a laser beam, it would have decapitated the loser's head already.

that is why breaking up is hard.

you can reason anyway you like. either be dramatic or playing it cool. it is simply impolite to tell somebody we refuse to be attached to them anymore. there is no reason to be rational about it. so we minimised the contact as much as possible. this is very rude, we said. quickly finished our cheap drinks and flee the scene before she even had the seconds to digest.

adele can say many things in the pretext of keeping it cool.
but we all know it is not.

falling blank

they said longer eye contact could induce deep attraction. or release of hormone that is responsible for causing us to fall in love.

i tried only recently. into the eyes of someone beautiful and attractive.

i tried.
for few seconds.
then i went blank.

so un-attractive.

the talk

we were talking about you today. not that there is much to be talked about. nothing new but your abrupt goodbye. and the pang of absence you left behind. it did not matter whether they have known you. they have seen your after effect in me. they could not understand. neither could i.

i passed by your street the other day. at times i felt compelled to walk down to your door and knock. knock long enough so that you would answer. and at times i felt that you wanted me to come barging down that distance between us. we created it. we can undo it. if we want it. but i would not know anymore. i am blind ever since you are gone.

we talked about you today. nothing in particular. but i could still hear it in my voice when i told them that i got my heart broken. nothing else could compare. to the heartbreak or to you. or both. i could still feel it hurting when i speak of you. they told me to learn and move on.

i thought i did.
i swear i did.
guess i did a swell job of lying to myself.

winning move

but i'd rather see the sunrise in your eyes.

i made a pretty simple remarks. she snapped into a full swing volcano eruption. it was nasty and there was no escaping it. she raged about so many things making the argument logical and almost impossible for me to retaliate. and for that few hours, it actually went on for days, i had to endure the torment of her anger.

i didnt really hear words that she said.
all i captured was that she was hurt.
and she was shutting me away.

that hurts me the most.

of course. i can justify and reason my remarks pretty well. but i do not think it has much to do with that simple sentence. it has been something that bottled up inside her and finally she chose to put the bullet straight into my heart. without giving me any opportunity to defend myself. i could have won the argument. it seemed weak to me i could simply return the favour by proving to her that her claims are without basis and wrongly directed.

i waited for her to cool down. it took some time for her to regain her composure. i analysed the argument back and forth preparing my viewpoints and how i could reflect all her mistakes. i waited till the time is right.

the time came.
i apologised instead. for hurting her.
and that i didnt realise how it had happened.
i capped with how much she meant to me.

i couldnt bring myself to argue.
i couldnt bring myself to win. or to make it even.
it was simply not worth it.

the apology paid off.
she softened.
oh well. things you do for love.