a tale of two cities '04

kl.
me behind desk. boring, boring, boring. wanted to go home quick. Boss not coming to the office. girlfriend was going to call tonite from melbourne. as usual. she simply loves trapping me into a habit. since i dont welcome surprises, i suppose i could withstand routine calls. 1 hour max. and she would max'ed it.

chicago.
you were busy. drinking, socialising, studying, organising, babysitting. whatever it was you were scheduled to do. energy bursting out through each of your pores. you give life. you immersed in one. you simply had no idea what's coming. the world is one big adventure. you just couldn't have enough.

kl.
i checked on my friends on online network. wasting time. life seems dull. photos of people i do not recognise flashes on my computer screen. then i saw you. somewhat angelic. somewhat undefined. except the playful smile on your face. you wrote that you worships perfection. i became intrigued. who is this person who cannot tolerate flaws. not that you are a vision of perfection yourself. i tapped a line from a song. i told you that you looked so fine. shut the computer down and left the office. how i dread the call tonite.

chicago.
you have just finished a party. your friends are so many and you love entertaining. but you are going to call it a night already. need to fucking study for whatever test you are having tomorrow. switched on your computer after a quick refreshment, you saw an email. from a stranger. who wrote to you a line from your favourite song. impressed you replied the corresponding line. i want to break your heart and give you mine. need to study now. no time to write further you simply jot down your blog address for this stranger. and sent.

kl.
me yawning thru my office hours. i slept late. the girlfriend got too clingy. why. i could stand 2-3 hours of talking face to face accompanied by some love making. but not on the phone. i lacked the visual stimulation. and she called me during my favourite tv show. so i had my eyes glued to the tv, and my ear glued to the phone. she got upset i was being unenthusiastic. i can never win this fight. i switched on my email and hey. a reply from somebody. she is good. she knows the fucking song. and somewhat sounds a little morbid. i was impressed. typed the blog address and voila. i fell. didnt realised it back then. but i knew it was something to that effect.

chicago.
you read a humble reply. you couldnt decide whether to be flattered or swept off. and in the heat and dash of the bustle in your life, you wrote. you were consumed and supressed. think you have found yourself a muse. but this simply didnt faze you just yet. you simply enjoyed the attention and play of words. and the possibilities attached to it. this one you intend to play along.

kl.
me losing ground for a moment. it wasnt funny trying to decipher the sentences 'have i known the opposite of me lies in you, life would have been more precious'. all the while i thought you were really good. i questioned the rationale for these replies. no good. and i kept tumbling. like clothes in dryer. i was besotted. and i wanted more.

chicago.
life was on exciting mode for you. almost everything good seems to happen in your presence. it was a party that placed you in the centre of attention. everybody loves you. but everytime you hit the room alone, you searched for that far away thoughts that visited you often. somewhat my words sounded different. aloof and melancholy. i seemed to understand the language of your heart. you remained intrigued.

kl.
the girlfriend was getting very demanding. and clingy. drove me nuts trying to comply to her needs. at times i really believed that it was long gone. but there is no way to let down. in bereavement i casually mentioned i made few acquaintances. i seemed to forgot why i did so. but she interrogated like hell. i was offended. i became defensive. we talked no more of this girl. but maybe she knew before i did.

chicago.
you wanted to maintain a distance. you were not sure of this whole picture. you would certainly like to keep your armour. you found me too surreal at one moment, and offkey in the next. whatever it was, you chose to conclude that i was easy. and so you wrote things that underestimated my effort and sincerity. you were thousand of miles away, with a million things to do. you hardly have time to care anymore.

kl.
having been through series of word jostling and pauses from you, i became unsure of this whole game. certainly i felt ridiculed. but at times amazed at your self-obsession. but the last correspondence was a blow to my ego. who the fuck are you messing around with my head. and why would you. and why would i even care. the last one i couldnt answer. but i certainly felt that i have to just give it. if the bitch was right before me i could have strangled the apology out of her.

chicago.
the archangel wrote again. you were half annoyed, half curious. you thought i must be joking trying to establish routines of relationship without any real foundation. but this one was something you didnt expect. this was different from the rest that i have sent before. this was dark, menacing, and at times sadist. at first impression you found it slightly disturbing. but deep down you couldnt help but to acknowledge you have found your match. it is just that in the real world, first impression weighs the most. so you shut it away.

kl.
i knew. that one didnt deserve a reply. i was becoming a monster. it wasnt healthy. and therefore i let it died.

hello

i would like to tell you, first and foremost, how well i am coping with your absence. of course it's bullshit, but it is very unlikely i can tell the difference. i believe. so i am. believing that i am. not able to tell the difference.

paragraph 2. i am supposed to sound very objective and to the point. like i got one. ha. i am sure i can make up a few as i go along. you may be confused as you keep reading, but that is exactly the point. to keep you as confused as possible till i sort my reasoning. and thinking. i'd throw that in too just to keep you impressed.

paragraph 3. i should be polite and try to make you feel that this is about you. my sincere concern on your being since your departure. i must be able to pull this off very well to ensure you drop your guard and really think that i care. i should demonstrate to you the depth of my interest in your uncharacteristic life bits. with puppy eyes perhaps. until you develop such sympathy for me for missing out on this tiny fraction of your life. that. would be a hard one.

paragraph 4. i have yet to figure out my objective to this hello. i should just go on praising the world of you. kiss, kiss, kiss, the ground you walked on. again i must show my longings and how unwell i have been without you. my whole world collapsed. sounds almost real.

paragraph 5. can i skip to paragraph 6. is conclusion coming anytime soon.

paragraph 6. perhaps now i should jumped you with something that can hurt you. now i realize my objective was to get even with you for leaving me. yes.

but i have been doing that all along, havent i. i say things that feigned and ridiculed both yours and my sincerity. we made efforts to build things up just to keep crashing them down again and again. probably not we. probably just me. and i blabber all this as if you give a shit.

paragraph 37. i like this number. and i like to think that sometimes you do give a shit.

paragraph 193. 4. i apologised. heaven knows for what. did it reach u.

fuck. conclusion already. i said hello.
and i mean well.

cheers

she took it away almost at an instance.

within one breath.

she erased simply everything.

i do not know which is funnier

her abrupt goodbye

or her impaired sense of self-honesty

we all have been there.

wish she'd find it

whatever that she is looking for.

yang..

'i am warded.
positive for dengue..'

i felt my insides softly crumbled.

sunday afternoon

i remember wasting it

in cool shade of tree

sitting on a grassy hill

overlooking nothing but distance.

it was most quiet.

i had no desire to let my mind wander.

i had to be here.

and let the silence

soaked into me.

i remember a pair of butterflies.

and little white flowers.

basking in the sun.

and i remembered you.

and how i missed you.

to the depths i could not explain.

to the ends that ceased to exist.

i now feel at loss.

that despite all these i carry in this silly little heart

i chose not to make an effort, but to

turn you away. and let you leave.

i wish one day

you'd knew.

and forgive.

in red

when she held me closer.
tighter.
longer than she normally does.

sheepishly.
but sincerely.

my brain went paralysed.
all i could say was

'okay'.

and i dont even fucking know what
it was supposed to signify.

3.37 am

i cannot sleep with anger.
it fucked my mind. over and over again.

and i cursed. i loathed.
violence is stirring in me.

some fucking woman.
doing shitty stuff.
wishing her mampos la.

i hate the fact that i am angry at her.
i hate the fact that i am being hurtful to her.
i hate that we are fucked with this turbulance.
and i hate the fact that i cannot sleep.

go, say sorry.
fuck. it wont solve a thing.

my being has never been so focused
on hurting her.
only to be so aware that i care so fucking deeply
for her.

how would one handle me.
go fuck myself.