november 12th

how does it compare. 

if all the syllables in each spoken languages combined
if all tinges of melody in this universe combined
if all the majestic appearances of this nature combined
to form a singular word to reflect the depth of emotion concealed inside

it would fail.
tremendously.

not a single form would be comparable.

if you take this earth with its sky and ocean, and the moon
multiply with the masses of other planets and celestial bodies,
compressed them into a singular being to form a counterweight against this burden inside

it would fail.
miserably.

not a single mass would be comparable.

no amount of wizardry and witchcraft,
no amount of chanting and prayers,
no amount of fear and laughter,
that this superficial world has to offer could stifle and contain what has transcended far beyond physical manifestation

this magnitude of emotional distraught
from missing you.

*the above photo is random. 

eid ul - fitr

i was back in kampung. this time to celebrate eid.
kampung has always been a sight of comfort.
where i spent most of my childhood living a very simple ignorant life.
i woke up everyday just to eat and play. the whole kampung was my playground.
from morning till dusk.

no television. no telephone.
just tricycle. and lots of imagination.

this time it was different. i dont get free ice cream anymore.
ah poh is no longer around. the paddy fields are all gazetted for developments.
most of wooden houses have been demolished replaced by some cheap tasteless brick houses.
i dont see many kids around. mostly old folks trying to make a living with whatever left. numbering days.
though sky is still calm and blue. the air is still cool and refreshing.
but the walk around kampung is now solitary and out of place.
same path i used to trod with my late grandmother twenty years ago.

i felt something was taken away from me.
maybe time.

i reckon this should be my last visit to kampung.
it will only further deteriorate my childhood memories.
no amount of urbanisation can compensate the pristine quality of life
that kampung offers.

maafkanlah bila hati
tak sempurna mencintaiMu

i find this image to be strangely comforting..

and i have drowned before.
literally. at the age of six.

red handed

my buddy kevin got caught red handed.
by his second girlfriend. you know, the bench warmer.

now. that happens a lot.
especially if your girlfriend is psychotic.
recording and tracking all your whereabouts via communication device.

so my buddy was upset that the girlfriend is having some trust issue. i wanted to throw it to his face but i let him come to his own conclusion instead. but in a way, i was glad because i didnt think highly of this bench warmer anyway. she was not as hot as the real one who is currently away. studying.

superficial, eh.
but i know good stuff when i see one. and that my buddy gotta win her back now that the shit has hit the fence. but i know all it takes is a wedding ring. platinum.

seriously, girls are easy.
but the nightmare starts for men once they got trapped that way.

so i sat and listened to him in the early hours. poking on trust issues, crazy drunk bitch issues, spouses with affairs issues, middle age crisis issue, and all other decadence which were grazed briefly. it was not an intelligent discussion. he simply wanted to justify his guilt.

i told him at the end.

enough with all this chasing and hurting.
gets you nowhere
let your heart settles.
happiness and wealth will follow suit.

but really what i wanted to say was,
should not get caught in the first place, ding dong.
what an amateur.

nonchalant

i was put through hell for almost a week.
for upsetting her.

it tested me.
that when it was over,
i told her to shut it.

no, i do not want to discuss about it.
i do not want to communicate of what has actually transpired
during those cold bitter moments.
i just wanted to absorb that moment of us coming together again.
and moved on.

she held me.
she was searching for my eyes.
wanting those deep soul dialogues.
i averted all of it.

nonchalant.
when it is simply fear
that i tried hard
to suppress.

of losing her.

the comedian

we all love jokes. funny stories.
and at some definitive points in our life,
jokes are necessary for us to stay sane.

the saddest part is no longer tragic.
when one found the courage
to laugh it off.

it is all the same,
it is all the same,
we said repetitively.

as the curtain draws near
as the fate bares its fangs
back to the wall
we'd say, the joke is on me.
this is the punchline.
so please by all means, laugh.

it is the only sensible reaction
that we can afford.

damn all those happy endings.
should have been funny instead.

twirled

they called her primadonna. i could only stare. maybe i willingly wanted to be mesmerised. taken as a whole being. fixated at this singular star infinitely.

one by one dropped like flies. one by one wore her inside out. these are giants. the titans. i stood by like some stupid firefly, i did not leave. i wanted to stay and watched how primadonna play herself out to the end.

from one arms to another, she danced her heart out. it was almost vivid i could taste her raw emotions being tossed about. the richness and intensity is wildly intoxicating. still i stood by. watching her driving me crazy.

human are filth with desires. we were all closer to hell than heaven, i thought. the desire to burn and vaporise. she wanted it too, i could sense it. it had been in her mind for almost forever, seething underneath those glamourous composure. all those delicate moves that she paraded to the world, all those pictures of perfection that she so much worshipped. all of them concealed her true being. i first thought ethereal. but no, we were closer to hell like i said. her true self was evidently glaring to my eyes that i could not help but to identify.

for every fiction there must be an end. for every ending there must be a beginning. this one didnt. this one severe all presumptions. this one enticed and bound me to this spot.

and i watched as if i was waiting for it to end. but deep inside, both me and primadonna wanted this immortalised. she danced away letting her soul consumed by the ravaging melody, and my eyes fiercely worshipping her phenomenal moves and beauty.