hello

i would like to tell you, first and foremost, how well i am coping with your absence. of course it's bullshit, but it is very unlikely i can tell the difference. i believe. so i am. believing that i am. not able to tell the difference.

paragraph 2. i am supposed to sound very objective and to the point. like i got one. ha. i am sure i can make up a few as i go along. you may be confused as you keep reading, but that is exactly the point. to keep you as confused as possible till i sort my reasoning. and thinking. i'd throw that in too just to keep you impressed.

paragraph 3. i should be polite and try to make you feel that this is about you. my sincere concern on your being since your departure. i must be able to pull this off very well to ensure you drop your guard and really think that i care. i should demonstrate to you the depth of my interest in your uncharacteristic life bits. with puppy eyes perhaps. until you develop such sympathy for me for missing out on this tiny fraction of your life. that. would be a hard one.

paragraph 4. i have yet to figure out my objective to this hello. i should just go on praising the world of you. kiss, kiss, kiss, the ground you walked on. again i must show my longings and how unwell i have been without you. my whole world collapsed. sounds almost real.

paragraph 5. can i skip to paragraph 6. is conclusion coming anytime soon.

paragraph 6. perhaps now i should jumped you with something that can hurt you. now i realize my objective was to get even with you for leaving me. yes.

but i have been doing that all along, havent i. i say things that feigned and ridiculed both yours and my sincerity. we made efforts to build things up just to keep crashing them down again and again. probably not we. probably just me. and i blabber all this as if you give a shit.

paragraph 37. i like this number. and i like to think that sometimes you do give a shit.

paragraph 193. 4. i apologised. heaven knows for what. did it reach u.

fuck. conclusion already. i said hello.
and i mean well.

cheers

she took it away almost at an instance.

within one breath.

she erased simply everything.

i do not know which is funnier

her abrupt goodbye

or her impaired sense of self-honesty

we all have been there.

wish she'd find it

whatever that she is looking for.

yang..

'i am warded.
positive for dengue..'

i felt my insides softly crumbled.

sunday afternoon

i remember wasting it

in cool shade of tree

sitting on a grassy hill

overlooking nothing but distance.

it was most quiet.

i had no desire to let my mind wander.

i had to be here.

and let the silence

soaked into me.

i remember a pair of butterflies.

and little white flowers.

basking in the sun.

and i remembered you.

and how i missed you.

to the depths i could not explain.

to the ends that ceased to exist.

i now feel at loss.

that despite all these i carry in this silly little heart

i chose not to make an effort, but to

turn you away. and let you leave.

i wish one day

you'd knew.

and forgive.

in red

when she held me closer.
tighter.
longer than she normally does.

sheepishly.
but sincerely.

my brain went paralysed.
all i could say was

'okay'.

and i dont even fucking know what
it was supposed to signify.

3.37 am

i cannot sleep with anger.
it fucked my mind. over and over again.

and i cursed. i loathed.
violence is stirring in me.

some fucking woman.
doing shitty stuff.
wishing her mampos la.

i hate the fact that i am angry at her.
i hate the fact that i am being hurtful to her.
i hate that we are fucked with this turbulance.
and i hate the fact that i cannot sleep.

go, say sorry.
fuck. it wont solve a thing.

my being has never been so focused
on hurting her.
only to be so aware that i care so fucking deeply
for her.

how would one handle me.
go fuck myself.

we need to talk

i was ranting about fear.
insecurities.

offering easy way out in this commitment.

i stopped the car.
we kissed.

i tak suka you buat macam ni.
i want to be with you. dont you get it.

finally...
eh heheh.