yang..

'i am warded.
positive for dengue..'

i felt my insides softly crumbled.

sunday afternoon

i remember wasting it

in cool shade of tree

sitting on a grassy hill

overlooking nothing but distance.

it was most quiet.

i had no desire to let my mind wander.

i had to be here.

and let the silence

soaked into me.

i remember a pair of butterflies.

and little white flowers.

basking in the sun.

and i remembered you.

and how i missed you.

to the depths i could not explain.

to the ends that ceased to exist.

i now feel at loss.

that despite all these i carry in this silly little heart

i chose not to make an effort, but to

turn you away. and let you leave.

i wish one day

you'd knew.

and forgive.

in red

when she held me closer.
tighter.
longer than she normally does.

sheepishly.
but sincerely.

my brain went paralysed.
all i could say was

'okay'.

and i dont even fucking know what
it was supposed to signify.

3.37 am

i cannot sleep with anger.
it fucked my mind. over and over again.

and i cursed. i loathed.
violence is stirring in me.

some fucking woman.
doing shitty stuff.
wishing her mampos la.

i hate the fact that i am angry at her.
i hate the fact that i am being hurtful to her.
i hate that we are fucked with this turbulance.
and i hate the fact that i cannot sleep.

go, say sorry.
fuck. it wont solve a thing.

my being has never been so focused
on hurting her.
only to be so aware that i care so fucking deeply
for her.

how would one handle me.
go fuck myself.

we need to talk

i was ranting about fear.
insecurities.

offering easy way out in this commitment.

i stopped the car.
we kissed.

i tak suka you buat macam ni.
i want to be with you. dont you get it.

finally...
eh heheh.

once upon a time

i dreamt.
to travel the world.
to live in distant places.

i think everybody does.

till i met someone.
very local.

suddenly.
travelling the world means emptiness.
searching the distance
while knowing my heart belongs back home.

fuck.
all those things that i wanted.
living vagabond-like.
all crashed just like that.

strange.
when you were young,
it's all about what you want.
not realising later,
that when you got there

you wish you could share it with someone.

eh heh.
talking like some old schmuck.

48th hour

hello.

kenaper..

takde,
saja nak dengar suara..