next time

 there wouldn't be next time, sayang.

i have given you my love. my vulnerability. i enmeshed my hope and longing into it.

i showed you my wound. and what's left of my Frankenstein heart.

i slit my heart open for you.

so that you will always know that we bleed the same.

wherever we came from, we were the same.

we were close. we were one.

please don't reach out to me next time, sayang.

i'd only stare blanks at you. wondering how much hurt i could swallow before you break me again. 

please don't make me smile. please don't make me happy.

please don't ever try to make me love you.

you have succeeded since the first time i laid my eyes on you.

age doesn't make me wiser. age prepared me for you.

for your chaotic presence and heartbreaking intimacy.

your love caught me right there and it burned me through and through.

and now you're done, you said next time.

i whispered sayang, 

there will be no next time.

pearl

 this one is for you. 

only for you.

semalam saya bermimpi

mendaki bukit menuruni lembah

harum.

dan basah.

rasa itu mulai tumbuh.

sweet and salty

kulum, kulum mutiara.

#moscowisindeedbeautiful

december

just because i am capable of violence
doesn't mean i should be doing it.

i have a song in my head, in fact.

Selembut sutera
Sebening pelangi
Dirimu kurangkai di dalam kalbu...

hurting others to express my frustrations
seems outdated.

things happen for reasons that i might never know
would i erase them for fear of it hurting me
no. in fact, i would live through them again
i will make the same mistake
i will give you my heart anyway
knowing fully well that you are going to break it.
i would still reach out and make you smile.

i still want to be a good person.
i will not forget you.

i promise.

the beast

i think i may be capable of violence.
sometimes i feel i can just grab a hammer and smash someone's head.
whack their cheekbones. again and again.
and again.

and i will not feel an ounce of pain. or guilt.
or regret.

heightened by a certain sensation that flooded my senseless action.
i am afraid i might feel relieved at the end of it.

or worse.
i might feel that i just want to keep hitting.
smashing skulls. until they turn into a grotesque mash of deformed faces.
feeling a brooding storm of anger overtakes my sanity.
fueled perhaps by their scream, or lack thereof.

sometimes i think
that might be the only answer that seems appropriate. and sensible.

funeral song

there is nothing philosophical about death. the truth lies in the feel of it. when everything comes to a rest. so this is me humming a simple tune. on my quiet and peaceful mid-morning funeral. 

Lay your head where my heart used to be
hold the earth above me
lay down in the green grass
remember when you loved me.

come closer dont be shy
stand beneath the rainy sky
the moon is over the rise
think of me as the train goes by

clear the thistles and brambles
whistle didnt he ramble
now there's a bubble of me
and it's floating in thee

stand in the shade of me
things are now made of me
the weather vane will say
it smells like rain today

God took the stars and he tossed em
cant tell the birds from the blossoms
you ll never be free of me
He ll make a tree from me

dont say goodbye to me
describe the sky to me

lay your head where my heart used to be
hold the earth above me
lay down in the green grass
remember when you loved me. 

- Tom Waits, Green Grass

on my wall

there are songs
that could convey how i feel about you
such as

'some things last a long time.'

written by someone who has lost his mind
a genius. yet completely in a world of his own.

i do not believe in forever.
it made me sick. nervous. a loss of appetite.
i felt cornered. and out of control.

but i still feel the same way about you.
i do not know why.

it has made me sick
and incurable.

i have finally learned
the defect in my design.

that crazy genius. i know now how he feels.

cheers darlin'

one day you will come to see
that i have been right all along.

has it always been about winning,
you asked.

of course love.
i am no fucking loser.